So I think I've figured out why I can't concentrate on anything.
For the past few weeks, my mom has been insulting, criticizing, and accusing me and my dad of things we didn't do. Like the other day, she started screaming at me about not knowing the competition schedule after I gave her a guess at the time (and I told her it was a guess). Turns out I was right with my guess, but she still spent five minutes screaming at me about making up times and being "inaccurate".
She yells at my dad a lot, too. Such as, for not backing her up when she's lecturing me (about pointless things that I didn't do). She insults him and says he never sticks up for her (there was one time that he should have but didn't--and she won't let him forget that). I feel so bad about that, because I feel like I've brought that all on him.
And also, the other day after my judging took place she told us we would go to Wendy's. This was after a big fight about me not wanting to go to awards (because I honestly don't care if I win or lose) later that day, because I had stuff to do (the amount of time between judging and awards was too little to start a project, but too large to just not do anything), and so I'm sitting there trying not to chew because my mouth HURTS and she mutters, "I thought you were in a hurry." It's like first you scream at me and decide that we're going to awards, so I cooperate and don't complain, and then you start complaining when I'm trying to actually take my time on something for once, and it would be hard to eat anyway.
She seriously spent the WHOLE DAY YESTERDAY INSULTING AND CRITICIZING ME AND MY DAD. And she wonders why I don't want to spend time with her or why I turn my music up to dangerously loud levels! If I'm in the same room as her, she starts talking about how she wants me to spend more time with academics and how I'm going to be so amazing some day. You know what? Now I'm so effing scared that I won't live up to that that I'm effing failing in my classes because I'm too scared to try with the possibility of failing. I don't LIKE getting C's on tests, but if I bring home an A paper she'll say "Oh, good job, but tomorrow I want you to go in talk with your teacher about what you could have done better." It's like she's stopped seeing what the heck is in front of her and all she cares about it what she wants me to be.
Another thing that irks me. She'll say, "Why don't you fold your clothes and put them away?" (I always leave my clothes on the edge of my bed--I've never really seen any point in putting them away when you're going to get them out again, unless, say, you're picking up your room for an event or something). So I'll say "Okay, maybe later", which means "Okay, I heard you, I might do it." Pretty clear meaning on my part, right? Well, apparently, her "suggestions" are actually orders, and she'll come down ten minutes later SCREAMING "I told you to put your clothes away!" It's like you suggested it, and now you act like I disobeyed! Like the other day, she started yelling at me because, hey, sometimes teenagers don't want to floss in front of their parents, so when I said no and didn't come up she started yelling that I'd disobeyed, and then went off and ranted about it to my dad. And THEN when I got into bed after she'd MADE ME EFFING FLOSS AGAIN I started sobbing because I felt so humiliated, and she says really sweetly from the top of the stairs "Brielle, would you like me to come down and comfort you?" NO NO NO. She goes through these freaking mood swings and I'm so sick of it! She screams at me and makes me cry and then offers to effing comfort me? WHAT THE HECK.
I can't even have a logical conversation anymore that doesn't turn into a fight! I try to pick something that's safe to talk about, and she turns it into an argument. She insults me on everything. She says I don't read enough (because reading DURING SCHOOL and AT NIGHT don't count as "reading"), and she says that I need to stop reading Warriors because it's made me dumb (and now a new book is coming out in March and I know she won't take me to the store to buy it). I AM SICK OF HAVING MY HOBBIES AND HABITS AND LIKES AND DISLIKES INSULTED. It's my effing life, not hers! I can read what I want, I can write what I want, and I don't have to do it for hours upon hours while she breathes down my neck to make sure I'm doing it.
Right now, I don't want motivation for the future. I've got that, and I want to learn how to get motivation for myself. I want to kindle this spark of artistic and amazing mental capabilities, and I want it to feel like my journey, not hers or anybody else's. I want to live in the moment, not what I'm going to be doing in college. I mean, I think about that a lot already.
I have concluded two things: One, I think my mother is trying to live her life again through me. I mean, I think all parents do this to a certain degree, but she's doing it to the extend that, instead of her being like her parents and ignoring her completely unless they had massive chores for her to do, she would keep me so busy with academics that I wouldn't have time for anything else, and I'd become world-famous (after she effing says that she doesn't want me to be "world-famous") and be rich and be really smart. Also so that I don't make the same mistakes she did (being disorganized all through high school, marrying during college, etc.). But seriously. It's my life, and I have to make my own mistakes. She's already told me the consequences (100 effing times or more) so I think I'll do fine if she would just LEAVE ME ALONE.
Second thing I've concluded is that there might be a mild jealousy issue. She's jealous of me for having time to do art while she spends her time having to do fundraisers and stuff on Facebook. She's an artist, too, and I've seen her paint amazing things. But she spends too much time doing Facebook stuff, feeling caught up in her friends' problems, to do art, and she's just kind of envious that I have the time and motivation to do so much art.
Seriously though, as a debate student, I've seen the power of a logical conversation versus a vicious argument. The problem is, I can't calm myself and my mother certainly can't calm herself down enough to talk instead of scream. And I am absolutely sick of it. I'm so sick of feeling like I'm being disobedient every time I turn on my computer. Every message I send, every line I draw, every letter I type, I feel like I'm being disobedient. I feel like she hates me for what I do, no matter how many times she says "Oh, I love your art". I just want to be left alone with my own life. These are my grades, my hobbies, my time. It's my job to allocate it, not hers.
I thank anyone who actually read through that. That isn't even the half of it, just a very brief outline. But I feel like I'm falling deeper and deeper into a pit of expectations that are choking out who I really am. I'm an artist. I'm a writer. I can be other things, too, but they have to come in time. I'm searching for that spark I once had that made me the best math student. I'm searching for that time I used to have to read. But right now, I can't get them, and I don't want to feel pressured like I am.
I was going to show this to her to see if it might change her mind, but then I remembered that whenever I try to talk about my feelings she rolls her eyes and tells me to stop being dramatic or sensitive.